Calling All Etiquette Experts: What Would You Do?

If a guest brings you a wonderful bottle of French wine, and you can't find a bottle opener, is this acceptable?

Note: Etiquette experts around the world are flocking to this site, so you may have to be patient. If the video box doesn't show up, here's a link.

Always Let Your Guests Know How To Dress

When sending an invitation to an event, you always want to make sure that your guests are comfortable from entrance to exit. One way to ensure their comfort is to provide clear information about proper attire.

From my friends at Icanhascheezburger,  Etiquette Kitteh urges you to avoid the following awkward situation:

Building a Personal Brand: The Gracious Girl Worksheet

By Mindy Lockard

Etiquette Consultant

Mannerofthemonth.com

We are honored to have you here on the Crane Insider for day two of our personal branding series.  Let’s get down to business! Today we are taking you to the University of Oregon where I worked with 80 women from the Tri Delta Sorority. Armed with my hot little gracious living branding iron—okay, more of a worksheet—I helped them understand the power of a personal brand and how to create one for their individual lives.

Starting with our Gracious Girl Personal Brand worksheet, each member creates her own Gracious Girl; a Gracious Girl that represents the brand they want to communicate…

Incorporating internal characteristics by drawing it on her exterior self. Well not really drawing on herself… here, I’ll show you mine. I’ve been told she looks like a grandma…

I’m totally confident in the fact that I’m a seasoned lady at heart!

What was so fun about this process is that the women were able to connect not only with the Gracious Girl on their inside, but how they want to show her on the outside. Just as we can see the Nike Swoosh and know it represents physical activity and fitness, our own brand communicates what we're all about to those we encounter in our lives. This exercise helped the women think through what they want their personal brand to be. To get them started, I had them write down five things that they want to be known for…

just to name a few…

Girlfriend, not a one night stand

Kind

Caring

Considerate

Engaged

Socially Responsible

Smart

Staying true to our personal brand can be uncomfortable, even hard at times—just ask the cows from yesterday—but it keeps us from wandering away or even getting lost in the social shuffle. With so many social functions and professional opportunities, college life is the perfect time for these women to practice living their brand. With a little self control (this is where it can feel uncomfortable at times) and etiquette, these women will live out a true and powerful personal brand that will help them reach their dreams.

Just because you may be out of college and not a 20-something, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook This little exercise is great for people of all ages. So if asked, “what is your personal brand?”  What qualities do you want to be known for?  Please, do tell…

The Personal Brand: Conform or Stand Out?

By Mindy Lockard

Etiquette Consultant
Mannerofthemonth.com

Sometimes, manners get us so hung up on “the fork” that we lose sight of the big picture. A picture of our total personal brand.  A picture that I have been working very hard to make clear to my 20-somethings clients.

What’s a personal brand? A personal brand is what we are known for, the way others see us. Very similar to the brands big companies are known for such as this…

or this…

or even this…

A personal brand is what we are all about.  Just as when we see the Nike Swoosh we can count on it to be related to fitness or athletics, the brand we build is directly related to the behavior others come to know and count on from us. Are we organized, are we frazzled, are we mindful with our communication, or are we the girl who passes out in the corner at every party? 

Before we tackle how to create a personal brand, let’s get down and dirty - something I only do when invited to a cattle ranch owned by our closest friends. So, saddle-up partner we’re going for a ride…

way…

way…

way out west, for a little lesson from those who live and breathe branding.

Branding is a traditional means of keeping track of cattle on and off the ranch. It helps ranchers identify their cattle among the herds when they are foraging on communal property or…

to know which neighbor to call - sometimes many miles away - when a few ladies show up unannounced.

Quite simply, the branding process is a physical identification that keeps the cattle organized, thus allowing the ranch manager to do his or her job well.

Branding is also the oldest method of cattle identification. A method of taking a hot iron and creating a mark on each cow’s behind. Does it hurt? Just a pinch a ranch manager will tell you. After calves are branded they return to their mother with little to no sign of pain.

The brand on cattle helps them conform to the herd. But our personal brand helps us get to where we want to be in life - to be remembered, to be respected, to stand out from the herd. The way we dress, the way we communicate, the words we speak, and the thank-you notes we write all communicate our personal brand. Sometimes we feel the pinch of the personal brand…especially when situations arise that don’t best suit us and require a little (or a lot) of self-control. Does the pinch hurt? A little, but it is well worth it. After all, it takes hard work and sometimes some hard lessons to create the person you want to be.

Can I get an Amen?

Which leads me to ask… Do you have a personal brand?  Join me tomorrow as I take my gracious living branding iron on the road and help 80 women from the Tri Delta Sorority to help them develop their own personal brand. I promise it won't hurt a bit.

Trick or Treat Etiquette with Elle and Maggie

With Halloween just around the bend, it's time to revisit some of the essential rules of etiquette for Trick or Treating. To assist us in this lesson, I have enlisted the services of two veterans of the Trick or Treat circuit in Portland, Oregon, to show you how to score big candies and big points in your neighborhood. So, without further adieu, here are Elle and Maggie with Dos and Taboos:




For those who don't know Elle and Maggie, they are the two delightful daughters of my blogging colleague Mindy Lockard. You can follow their adventures in pursuit of gracious living here.

Two Words Shouted or Three Words Written

U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson's spontaneous eruption during the president's address to Congress last night left me shaking my head, wondering where our sense of community, of common purpose, of dignity, respect and courtesy have gone.

His shouted two words: "You lie!" were so reflective of our disappearing civility toward those with whom we disagree. We see it 24/7/365 on talk radio, on editorial pages, cable and network news, at town hall meetings and on street corners.

When I peruse the extensive archives of written correspondence that has been received by Crane & Co. over more than 200 years, I see plenty of disagreement: "Dear Messrs. Crane & Co. We are in receipt of your samples of the 25th inst. and find them to be lacking......" The sender might be quite put out, but he is civil, courteous and respectful. The same is true of the letter written by Crane to the aggrieved party.

Sitting down, composing your thoughts, and taking up pen and paper almost unfailingly creates an aura of civility. There's nothing spontaneous about writing someone. One gives thought and weight to their words. And they expect thought and weight to be returned by the recipient.

So, imagine if Joe Wilson had listened respectfully and civilly and gone back to his office and pulled out a piece of his personalized House stationery and instead of shouting two words, he starts by writing three:

The Junior League: Manners to Achieve a Mission

By Guest Blogger Mindy Lockard

As an etiquette consultant, I have the privilege of working with a wide range of people from the fifth-grade boy who doesn’t know how to use his fork to professionals wanting to give back to their community! Recently, I had the honor of speaking to the members of the Junior League of Portland, Oregon, to help them kick off a new year by focusing on applying manners to their mission.

The Junior League is more than ladies of leisure sipping tea in white gloves and pearls. It is an organization of women who have been actively working in the trenches of their communities, providing relief and education on behalf of the underserved for 107 years. The mission of the Junior League provides a fantastic glimpse—for everyone, not just women—of what it means to volunteer and the impact that every man, woman, or child can make on his or her community.

“The Association of Junior Leagues International Inc. (AJLI) is an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women and improving communities through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers.”

As an etiquette consultant, I have witnessed firsthand the benefits of using manners to achieve a mission. Here are a few manners to think about as you serve or if you are thinking about getting involved:

Brag a Little! Yes, this is an etiquette consultant telling you to “flaunt your philanthropy!” Since so much of our volunteer service goes on behind the scenes, you have my permission to inform everyone what you’re up to and how much fun you’re having as a volunteer. Humbly and with good manners, tell your neighbors, friends, cousins, and the barista at Starbucks—anyone who will listen. After all, your enthusiasm is contagious, and we all need to catch a little of the giving-back bug!

Keep It Up! Let’s face it, we’ve all had days when we wake up late only to fall behind schedule or spill coffee on our best white button-down and the last thing we want to do is encourage someone else, but do your best to stay upbeat and uplift your fellow volunteers. You’ll add cheer to their day—and yours! Lend a helping hand if a fellow volunteer seems to be overloaded. Take the time to share gratitude verbally at a meeting or over the phone, and never underestimate the value of a handwritten note of thanks or acknowledgment.

Give Your All! Before you take on a volunteer position, investigate whether or not it is a good fit for you. Once you have committed, you must follow through. Don’t discount the importance of your work because a paycheck isn’t attached; the organization that you have committed to depends on your service. Show them respect by arriving on time and returning telephone calls and e-mails in a timely fashion. Speak up when you have taken on too much, and ask for help if you don’t understand.

Aside from the fact that giving back is good manners, the futures of our communities depend on us doing so! When we use our manners and abilities to improve our communities, our giving back makes a difference—and we receive far more than we give!

From Peter: Many thanks to Mindy for stepping in while I try to get rid of something that closely resembles the flu.

Dining Etiquette: Corn on the Cob

I have my Google Reader set to all sorts of key words, and one of them is "etiquette." It's an interesting read each morning and afternoon, and such was the case today when I noticed a post from Sandra Muskopf-Hyde of the Etiquette School of Ohio.

She has lots of good advice, but the etiquette of eating corn on the cob was very timely for Grandpa Petey who recently handed the little guy his first ear of corn.

Sandra's sage advice includes:

"Corn on the cob should only be served at casual dining settings."

Check

"Hold the corn firmly by the ends with two hands."

Gave it a shot

"Eat a few rows from left to right."

Not happenin'

"Eat as neatly as you can without making loud gnawing or gnashing sounds."

Not even close

"Remember to wipe your mouth with your napkin after setting the cob of corn down."

Face vigorously wiped with bib after denuded cob thrown on floor

Crane's Brand Director Honored

Pamela Eyring, left, is the owner and director of The Protocol School of Washington. She is presenting the school's Dignity, Honor and Respect Award to Crane's Brand Director Megan Kuntze, following Megan's recent presentation on "The State of Stationery" at the school. The award is given to "individuals and companies who are ambassadors to the world, building the bridges that knit cultures together in positive and lasting ways."

The Protocol School of Washington provides professional etiquette and protocol training and certification.

Since 1988, more than 2,100 men and women have been trained, certified, and licensed to use the school's comprehensive training manuals, workbooks, CD-ROMs, and support materials. Located in the United States and 42 other countries, many graduates are featured on major television networks and radio, and in publications worldwide.

Social Freedom Through Etiquette

Insider’s Note:

I had the pleasure of meeting Mindy Lockard, an etiquette consultant from Eugene, Oregon, at the National Stationery Show. Earlier this week Mindy presented a class on etiquette to a group of fifth-graders out her way, and I asked her to share her experience, along with some thoughts on the role of etiquette in the 21st century.

First, a few questions and observations from the fifth-graders:

I will use this when I have a job.
I didn’t know that silverware gives messages.
I thought this was a cooking class.
Will we learn how to do a dance?
Am I going to have to kiss a girl’s hand?

As a parent, I know that when I apply the rules of etiquette and the mind-set of good manners I see a change in my children’s behavior. It is through manners that our children are able to identify what is expected of them and feel confident in their own skin. As parents of well-behaved children, we can take them out of the house without fearing social repercussions or spending half of our dinner trying to keep them out from under the table—to a mother or fellow diner, that is freedom!

In addition to believing in the power of etiquette and using the rules as a mother, I have the honor of working with children, families, and professionals and witnessing firsthand how life-changing manners can be. My students begin to sit taller, engage in the interests of others, say please and thank you, and make eye contact. With the use of these social skills, lives change and personal dreams begin to unfold!

Recently, I had the privilege of working with 34 fifth graders at Meadowlark Elementary School. At first the children seemed a bit hesitant, concerned that they were being subjected to 80 minutes of manners boot camp with Sergeant Lockard who would snap their wrists with a ruler when they made a mistake. To break the ice and misperception, I started the program by having them share qualities of a friend that make them happy and sad. Here are some of the qualities they listed:

Happy: caring, helpful, smiles at you, polite, shares with you, encourages you, truthful, trustworthy, responsible, reliable, nice, exciting, approachable, helpful, respectful, positive, funny, outgoing, good listener.

Sad: teasing, bragging, aggressive, steals, disrespectful, not responsible, mean, rude, negative, sad, mad, bossy, lazy, boring, thinks they are better than you, lies, impatient, has bad manners, talks behind your back, hurts you on purpose.

As the fifth graders made the connection between good friends and good manners, guards came down, and minds began to open!

Next we worked on eye contact and handshaking. Eye contact is one of the most important tools to have in our social arsenal. When we use this very important skill, we communicate value to those around us.

Then I shared tips for saying their name and responding to an introduction. Self introductions are very difficult for many young children and even young adults. This is the social skill that causes the majority of my students the most discomfort. We begin by slowly saying our names. If we rush through the introduction process because we are uncomfortable, the entire reason for the introduction can be lost.

When someone introduces themselves to us, we have to remember to listen to their name and repeat it. Repeating their name will ensure we have heard it correctly and help us remember it for the future.

Finally, I discussed place settings and the correct way to hold utensils. The key to good table manners is to draw the least amount of attention to our dining skills. When we hold our flatware incorrectly, we engage our entire upper body and run the risk of elbowing our neighbor, knocking an item off the table, or just looking like a bird ready for flight. By holding our utensils correctly, we limit the amount of movement, therefore saving ourselves and those around us from an unpleasant disaster, not to mention helping us look better.

Aside from which fork to use, when to send a thank-you, and which name comes first in an introduction, the number-one question asked of me as an etiquette consultant is “Why . . . ?” “Why do you teach etiquette?” The answer is rather simple: I teach etiquette because I believe the lessons are powerful and offer us social freedom when they are used. “Isn’t that an oxymoron?” you may ask. “Don’t the rules of etiquette keep us from experiencing personal freedom?”

Actually, it is not the rules that limit us but our perception of them. When we get over the rebellious desire to break or disregard the rules of etiquette and consider the reason why we use manners, we find social freedom: freedom from insecurity, freedom from social ignorance, and freedom to see beyond ourselves and invest in the life of another human being.

21st-Century Wedding Etiquette

So many questions; so little time.

I get questions all the time about the “proper” etiquette of correspondence. And many of those inquiries center around weddings. Some questions are relatively easy to answer; others are much more complicated.

“Proper” etiquette is a moving target. In Victorian times and well into the 20th century, there were hard-and-fast rules that defined proper etiquette for wedding correspondence. Though strict, these rules brought with them a level of comfort. This is how it’s done, now let’s deal with the cake.

As society evolves, so does etiquette. The fact that people are marrying later, the emergence of intercultural and interfaith marriages, second and third weddings, and alternative ceremonies are all contributing factors to the changing rules of etiquette. Many of the rules of etiquette were made (and continue to be made) to deal with changing social situations. Some of the etiquette deemed proper today would have been unthinkable a generation ago. And, surely, a generation from now many of the current guidelines will seem archaic and obsolete.
To assist today’s brides, and to help me with all those wedding etiquette questions, Crane has released its newest edition of the Wedding Blue Book.

This new edition continues to offer definitive rules relating to traditional correspondence and guidance for implementing a more contemporary approach to everything from save-the-date cards to thank-you notes.

The Blue Book features an easy-to-use format with more sample designs and examples of wording and an extensive selection of traditional and contemporary typestyles. The Blue Book has been expanded to address current and emerging trends in save-the-date cards, commitment ceremonies, wedding programs as well as religious and cultural considerations.

Here’s what my new BFF Letitia Baldridge, the nation’s leading etiquette authority, has to say about the new Wedding Blue Book:

“Greatly needed? Crane’s Wedding Blue Book, that’s what’s needed. Today’s world is in such a state of befuddlement regarding the dos and don’ts of behavior, it’s a joy to see the old traditional rules honored, but updated to make things work better. Thankfully, there’s a new elasticity in invitational language that is based on efficiency without sacrificing kindness.”

Judge Letitia

Late last week, I was enjoying cocktail hour with my wife and my mom and, of course, the phone rings. It was after formal business hours, but I do business with folks on the West Coast, so it was OK.

“Hello Peter, this is Letitia Baldrige. How are you this evening?”

I just about jumped out of my shoes! I do quite a few public speaking gigs, as well as some radio and television, but I found myself stammering into the phone. I mean, this lady is a legend. Shouldn’t I be speaking with someone from her staff?

Granted, I had sent Ms. Baldrige a fax to show her the copy we were planning to use for her bio as a judge for The Letters You Keep contest, but still…..

We had a lovely chat and then it really hit me. That was Letitia Baldrige! Letitia Baldrige is going to read and judge letters with Samara O’Shea and me. I’m definitely not worthy.

In case you don’t know who I’m talking about, Letitia Baldrige received her Bachelor of Arts Degree from Vassar, did graduate work at l'Université de Genève, and is the recipient of four honorary degrees. She spent a decade in the United States Foreign Service, serving as a special assistant to Ambassadors David Bruce in Paris and Clare Boothe Luce in Rome. She entered the private sector as the first senior woman executive of Tiffany & Co. in New York in 1956.

She served as Social Secretary to the White House and Chief of Staff for Jacqueline Kennedy in 1960 and continued to serve as a pro bono advisor to subsequent First Ladies and therefore continued to have, as she phrased it, “a catbird seat overlooking the march of history.” She opened her consulting business in 1964, and pioneered as a woman director of several major corporations.

She has published 25 books on the subjects of entertaining, design and manners. She is a professional lecturer in the United States and abroad, and appears regularly on network television. She has been a front-row observer since 1948 of American political events, but she has also survived making major gaffes in elevated places during those years.

“The secret to almost everything,” Ms. Baldrige says, “is to keep your sense of humor, and if you don't have one, for heaven's sake, go get one!”

So, for those who might be on the fence about sending in your most treasured letters for consideration in Crane’s contest, just think about this: Your letter will be read by Letitia Baldrige!

How cool is that?