Manners Matter on the Path from Child to Adult

Just a quick note this morning to alert you to a great article in this morning's New York Times.

Entitled: Making Room for Miss Manners is a Parenting Basic, the article is written by Dr. Perri Klass, one of the best-known writer/physicians in the country.

Here's an exerpt that I particularly enjoy:

"I like Miss Manners’ approach because it lets a parent respect a child’s intellectual and emotional privacy: I’m not telling you to like your teacher; I’m telling you to treat her with courtesy. I’m not telling you that you can’t hate Tommy; I’m telling you that you can’t hit Tommy. Your feelings are your own private business; your behavior is public.

"But that first big counterintuitive lesson — that there are other people out there whose feelings must be considered — affects a child’s most basic moral development. For a child, as for an adult, manners represent a strategy for getting along in life, but also a successful intellectual engagement with the business of being human."

Social Freedom Through Etiquette

Insider’s Note:

I had the pleasure of meeting Mindy Lockard, an etiquette consultant from Eugene, Oregon, at the National Stationery Show. Earlier this week Mindy presented a class on etiquette to a group of fifth-graders out her way, and I asked her to share her experience, along with some thoughts on the role of etiquette in the 21st century.

First, a few questions and observations from the fifth-graders:

I will use this when I have a job.
I didn’t know that silverware gives messages.
I thought this was a cooking class.
Will we learn how to do a dance?
Am I going to have to kiss a girl’s hand?

As a parent, I know that when I apply the rules of etiquette and the mind-set of good manners I see a change in my children’s behavior. It is through manners that our children are able to identify what is expected of them and feel confident in their own skin. As parents of well-behaved children, we can take them out of the house without fearing social repercussions or spending half of our dinner trying to keep them out from under the table—to a mother or fellow diner, that is freedom!

In addition to believing in the power of etiquette and using the rules as a mother, I have the honor of working with children, families, and professionals and witnessing firsthand how life-changing manners can be. My students begin to sit taller, engage in the interests of others, say please and thank you, and make eye contact. With the use of these social skills, lives change and personal dreams begin to unfold!

Recently, I had the privilege of working with 34 fifth graders at Meadowlark Elementary School. At first the children seemed a bit hesitant, concerned that they were being subjected to 80 minutes of manners boot camp with Sergeant Lockard who would snap their wrists with a ruler when they made a mistake. To break the ice and misperception, I started the program by having them share qualities of a friend that make them happy and sad. Here are some of the qualities they listed:

Happy: caring, helpful, smiles at you, polite, shares with you, encourages you, truthful, trustworthy, responsible, reliable, nice, exciting, approachable, helpful, respectful, positive, funny, outgoing, good listener.

Sad: teasing, bragging, aggressive, steals, disrespectful, not responsible, mean, rude, negative, sad, mad, bossy, lazy, boring, thinks they are better than you, lies, impatient, has bad manners, talks behind your back, hurts you on purpose.

As the fifth graders made the connection between good friends and good manners, guards came down, and minds began to open!

Next we worked on eye contact and handshaking. Eye contact is one of the most important tools to have in our social arsenal. When we use this very important skill, we communicate value to those around us.

Then I shared tips for saying their name and responding to an introduction. Self introductions are very difficult for many young children and even young adults. This is the social skill that causes the majority of my students the most discomfort. We begin by slowly saying our names. If we rush through the introduction process because we are uncomfortable, the entire reason for the introduction can be lost.

When someone introduces themselves to us, we have to remember to listen to their name and repeat it. Repeating their name will ensure we have heard it correctly and help us remember it for the future.

Finally, I discussed place settings and the correct way to hold utensils. The key to good table manners is to draw the least amount of attention to our dining skills. When we hold our flatware incorrectly, we engage our entire upper body and run the risk of elbowing our neighbor, knocking an item off the table, or just looking like a bird ready for flight. By holding our utensils correctly, we limit the amount of movement, therefore saving ourselves and those around us from an unpleasant disaster, not to mention helping us look better.

Aside from which fork to use, when to send a thank-you, and which name comes first in an introduction, the number-one question asked of me as an etiquette consultant is “Why . . . ?” “Why do you teach etiquette?” The answer is rather simple: I teach etiquette because I believe the lessons are powerful and offer us social freedom when they are used. “Isn’t that an oxymoron?” you may ask. “Don’t the rules of etiquette keep us from experiencing personal freedom?”

Actually, it is not the rules that limit us but our perception of them. When we get over the rebellious desire to break or disregard the rules of etiquette and consider the reason why we use manners, we find social freedom: freedom from insecurity, freedom from social ignorance, and freedom to see beyond ourselves and invest in the life of another human being.

Judge Letitia

Late last week, I was enjoying cocktail hour with my wife and my mom and, of course, the phone rings. It was after formal business hours, but I do business with folks on the West Coast, so it was OK.

“Hello Peter, this is Letitia Baldrige. How are you this evening?”

I just about jumped out of my shoes! I do quite a few public speaking gigs, as well as some radio and television, but I found myself stammering into the phone. I mean, this lady is a legend. Shouldn’t I be speaking with someone from her staff?

Granted, I had sent Ms. Baldrige a fax to show her the copy we were planning to use for her bio as a judge for The Letters You Keep contest, but still…..

We had a lovely chat and then it really hit me. That was Letitia Baldrige! Letitia Baldrige is going to read and judge letters with Samara O’Shea and me. I’m definitely not worthy.

In case you don’t know who I’m talking about, Letitia Baldrige received her Bachelor of Arts Degree from Vassar, did graduate work at l'Université de Genève, and is the recipient of four honorary degrees. She spent a decade in the United States Foreign Service, serving as a special assistant to Ambassadors David Bruce in Paris and Clare Boothe Luce in Rome. She entered the private sector as the first senior woman executive of Tiffany & Co. in New York in 1956.

She served as Social Secretary to the White House and Chief of Staff for Jacqueline Kennedy in 1960 and continued to serve as a pro bono advisor to subsequent First Ladies and therefore continued to have, as she phrased it, “a catbird seat overlooking the march of history.” She opened her consulting business in 1964, and pioneered as a woman director of several major corporations.

She has published 25 books on the subjects of entertaining, design and manners. She is a professional lecturer in the United States and abroad, and appears regularly on network television. She has been a front-row observer since 1948 of American political events, but she has also survived making major gaffes in elevated places during those years.

“The secret to almost everything,” Ms. Baldrige says, “is to keep your sense of humor, and if you don't have one, for heaven's sake, go get one!”

So, for those who might be on the fence about sending in your most treasured letters for consideration in Crane’s contest, just think about this: Your letter will be read by Letitia Baldrige!

How cool is that?